Tiger Woods : the good , the bad and the ugly

Did you hear that Phil Mickelson called Elin Nordegren? He asked her for some tips on beating Tiger.
That's just one of many, many jokes making rounds in the aftermath of Tiger Woods' car crash and affair rumors. Some of the jokes are pretty good, others aren't pretty at all. Have you ever noticed how many golf jokes involve comic-book violence toward a spouse? There are plenty of those regarding Tiger and Elin, too:


=The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5."
=Ping has a new set of irons called Elins. They're clubs you can beat Tiger with.
=What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian. (Of course, Elin is actually Swedish. But poetic license is allowed in jokes.)

There are jokes about the affair rumors:


=Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Cheetah?
=Tiger's other women aren't misstresses. They're provisionals.
=Did you hear Nike's new motto? Just do me.
=What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause? Santa stopped at three ho's. (That joke has been re-posted about 50 times in comments, so I think we can stop adding it anew to the comment thread.)

And jokes about Tiger's car crash started surfacing within minutes of the initial reports of the accident, including these:


=Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
=What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.
=Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.
=Tiger has a new movie coming out. It's called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

Most of the above come from amateur quipsters - folks like you and me. But the professionals are having a field day with Tiger's troubles, too. For example:


=Stephen Colbert: "Tiger always gives 110 percent. That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 10 percent left over for his alleged mistress."
=Conan O'Brien: "One of the women who claims she slept with Tiger Woods says they never talked about golf while having sex. However, contractually Tiger was obligated to talk about Nike, Gatorade and American Express."

Then there are the YouTube videos. Check out the slow-jam remix of Tiger's voicemail, or the Christmas song parody.

Heard others Tiger woods jokes recently? Post them in comments (but please only the clean ones).

movie marathon. canceled. zz
bored now.


p/s i ♥ her

girl clothing. =D

this is in one word, awesome. =D

M4rK- ♥ says (12:33 AM):
*girls clothes
*nt gud summore
*so expensive

* e. L y n says (12:33 AM):
*u dont use as floor cloth

-M4rK- ♥ says (12:33 AM):
*so little cloth
*wipe floor aso sakit hati
*LOL
* e. L y n says (12:33 AM):
*=.=

* e. L y n says (12:34 AM):
*memang lah
*so little cloth, but expensive

-M4rK- ♥ says (12:34 AM):
*haa
*nt dai
*hah

* e. L y n says (12:35 AM):
*lol
*memang

-M4rK- ♥ says (12:35 AM):
*hahaha
*male clothing better

* e. L y n says (12:36 AM):
*it looks all the same to me
*LOL
*girls
*so many variety
*tube, singlet, sleeveless, long sleeve, one shoulder
*damn freaking a lot
*LOL

-M4rK- ♥ says (12:36 AM):
*bt
*the main point
*to cover body
*if dun wan cover
*naked enuf
*patern byk byk

* e. L y n says (12:37 AM):
*-_-

-M4rK- ♥ says (12:37 AM):
*cover half dun cover half
*this is called
*undecisive
*LOL

* e. L y n says (12:37 AM):
*if girls dresses like guys
*cover all
*guys dont like d

-M4rK- ♥ says (12:37 AM):
*wan then take all off
*wan then cover all
*LOLL

* e. L y n says (12:37 AM):
*LOL WTF
*HAHHAHA

-M4rK- ♥ says (12:37 AM):
*correct rite
*hahaha
*show half
*dun show half
*undecisive
*hahaha

* e. L y n says (12:37 AM):
*thats how to attract guys
*LOL

-M4rK- ♥ says (12:38 AM):
*lol
*true aso
*guys wanna see all
*bt girls oni let them see half
*wth
*y m i discussing abt this to u
*LOL

Today is my first day studying in KDU College, Damansara. =D

It was fun. Lol. And awesome.

The best part is, it has the best school cafeteria I have ever been !

Plus, my timetable is damn flexible. =)

Later.

-Jimmy-
Miss her alot.

i am bored,
miss her alot.
btw.
our meetings shall be fixed every saturday night 9pm,
meet outside old town before deciding where to go.

ps i ♥ her. =)

-M4rK-
one bored god of awesome

Yes , Yes we are

My license comes out in about 12 hours time.
=D
beware drivers in kemuning.
road hazard will be on the streets starting tomorrow. O.o

another rant i want to complain about is the delivery service of dell computers.
they are sending my order to me bit by bit.
monday i got my speakers.
today i got my mouse.
wtf?
where's my computer?
what good is a mouse without a computer? to generate electricity by running in a wheel?
sheesh.
dell sucks.


-Erik.Handsome-

Ne-yo's throwing a concert at Sunway right now !! I wanna go !!

Too bad I don't have the tickets. =(

What i can do now, is to listen to his song on my phone.

"You're the best thing i never knew i needed." =)

-Jimmy-
Superior + Buff = Jimmy.

Orang muscle deserves to be the ultimate superior of the rest of JEMME. =)

I am so damn awesome i make awesome people fear me.

I am officially a legal driver.
i am also awesome. thank you.

-Erik.Handsome-

Just finished watching some Russell Peters talk shows. He's a motherfuckin' racist but i kinda like his jokes. =)

Oh yeah, i haven't heard of READING. How could Liverpool drew with that team? They're supposed to win them! Too bad for Liverpool, other teams are trying to bid to buy Torres. >< 

Well, that's what i heard. 

Later. 

-Jimmy-

Definition of superiorness.

football.

okay, jimmy.

first of, arsenal is awesome. so yes they won.
how is that even a question. sheesh.

secondly, liverpool drew with reading.
a club which is named after an action verb.
READING.

enough said.

Berlebih.

okay people (less awesome than us).

just to clarify a few things.

this is a blog. where we post the good and bad (actually there is no bad because we're awesome) stuff that happen to us in our awesome lives.

it's not an self sustained, ego-boosting site when your grandmother baked almond instead of chocolate cookies, you ran out of car freshener after eating 3 loaves of garlic bread, or when your wiener won't behave the way u want it to (our wieners are AWESOME).

so yes this is a normal blog, but fulled of awesomeness.

Amen.

-Erik.Handsome-

Arsenal won !! Unbelievable.

Today is the 4th of January, i listened to that song from the radio for more than 4 times already. =)

I'm still waiting. Waiting for the right moment to apologise.

-Jimmy-
Like no other.

Black Sheep ???

Even though i am LEGENDARY but i am also the black sheep of the GANG

Proof; i do not have a license and i am working to pay my own future

Awesome , Handsome , Foxy , and Superior; All got license and all going to college next week

as Legendary i am , i'm weirded out
Damn.....

Matin
-LEGEND....(sniff)....dary...(sob)-

♥

The God of Awesomeness is feeling chunted right now.
When one is in love, one does stupid things.
As such, sniffing a pillow hugged by someone.
Or desperately trying to hold one's hand in a dark cinema.
Or to tell that someone you love her in the most romantic scene of the movie.
But still, The God of Awesomeness is still awesome.




-M4rK♥-
Definition of Awesome,
God Of Awesomeness,
Divine Awesome,
Holy Grail Of Awesomeness,
Still Feeling CHUNTED!~

LEGENDARY

the reason i call my myself LEGENDARY is based on life experienced and declaration by other non Awesome individuals
hence i will make my point and proclaim my LEGENDARY title

L-Lovable
E-Energetic
G-GAY(happy of course)
E-Ethuthiasitic
N-Notorious
D-Daring
R-Righthceous
Y-Yellable

hence forth my roots of the title i was bestoyed

HOW TO BE Legendary:
Step 1 . an individual must be love by all levels of sosiety that includes the ass-wipe of your life

Step 2 . Do your best in everything you do , meaning BE awesome

Step 3 . A Smile a day keeps comittment away

Step 4 . Always support your PEERS and yes that EVERYTHING , you know what i mean

Step 5 . An awesome creativity example; if you see a cloud and saw a bunny in its shape , i see a million hopes , dreams , futures and weird positions if you know what i mean

Step 6 . One must always accept any challenge without desposing ones dignity

Step 7 . Keep imaginating yourself as AWESOME , LEGENDARY is of a higher level in the sosial network

Matin
-LEGENDARY-

YO mama jokes by AWESOME people and LAME people

Due to the lack of BUFFness , LEGENDARY-ness , HANDSOME-ness , FOXY-ness and of course AWESOME-ness .

many NORMAL people are terrible at lame jokes
expecially 'YO MAMA IS FAT' jokes
Those who are inexperienced in such a field tend to turn jokes into insults

here are some examples of this jokes in a more Professional manner:

Yo mama is so fat

Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up

Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"

Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

Yo mama so fat were in her right now

Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors

Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...

Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world

Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy

Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!

Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!

Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"

Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"

Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!

Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"

Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.

Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!

Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!

Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!

Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!

Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!

Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...

Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.

Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!

Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!

Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!

Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!

Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.

Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!

Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!

Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!

Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!

Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!

Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!

Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!

Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!

Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!

Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!

Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!

Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!

Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!

Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!

Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping

Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.

Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.

Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.

Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.

Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.

Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.

Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.

Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her

Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.

Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.

Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family

Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.

Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.

Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.

Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!

Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.

Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out

Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth

Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures

Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.

Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.

Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.

Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.

Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....

Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.

Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.

Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.

Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.

Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"

Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!

Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.

Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet

Matin
-LEGENDARY-

NOmad please

still wondering what to be?
don't know what you want in life?

then why not be a nomad??
famous people such as :
The Mesopotamians
Nabi MUhammad
Casper the friendly ghost

Outcomes:
life experience
extreme nature knowledge acheived
sterile
possible case of STD's
Jimmed-up LEGS
An awesome Tan

Requirements:
CONDOMS
Penadol actifast
Iphone with TWITTER capabilities
A Blog
swimsuit
viagra
money Duh$$$

Time lapse:
depends on your survival

live life as a noMAD

Matin-LEGEND(wait for it)DARY

FA Cup third round, West Ham United V.S Arsenal.

Half way now, score 1-0, with West Ham leading. =)

Another half, later.

-Jimmy-
Superior that supports Liverpool.

OMG, Man U lost. =(

Total disaster. Wtf.

God Of Awesomeness, what happened? Lol.

-Jimmy-
Superior Buffness.

'I've always wondered if there was a god. And i know there is - it's ME.'

-Homer Simpson- (applies to the God Of Awesomeness, M4rK)

-M4rK-

God Of Awesomeness.

Randoms.

Wassup. =)

Finally JEMME found a new, cozy hangout near our houses.

Primary hangouts, Bubbletea/Oldtown.

Secondary, anything that meets these criterias :

eh) wifi capabilities;

b) must have crouch for womens' busterior.

c) reasonable price for the drinks. =)

d) 24-hour time lapse.

e) wei jun, the God Of Awesomeness, must approve of it.

f) jimmy, the superior of buffness, must be present. =D

g) must have enough legroom for ma.................(wait for it)..............tin.

later. =)

Intro

A brief introduction.

JEMME
Acronyms for
Jimmy, Erik, Matin, Mark and Ee Lyn.
a.k.a The Modern Age Awesomeness

Jimmy
orang muscle.


Erik
orang hensem.

MATIN
orang legendary.


Mark
orang awesome.



Ee Lyn
orang foxy.

And yes, we're awesome,
So damn awesome that we make awesomeness looks normal.
Awesomeness is in our veins,
You can try, but you will nt be as awesome as us. =)

Awe-cabulary

awe·some
[aw-suhm]


–adjective
1. inspiring awe: an awesome sight.
2. showing or characterized by awe.
3. Slang. very impressive: That new white convertible is totally awesome.
4. weijun: What a weijun shot by Kobe Bryant!~




buff   
[buhf]


–noun
1. a soft, thick, light-yellow leather with a napped surface, originally made from buffalo skin but later also from other skins, used for making belts, pouches, etc.
2. a brownish-yellow color; tan.
3. a buff stick or buff wheel.
4. a devotee or well-informed student of some activity or subject: Civil War buffs avidly read the new biography of Grant.
5. Informal. the bare skin: in the buff.
6. Also called buffcoat. a thick, short coat of buffalo leather, worn esp. by English soldiers and American colonists in the 17th century.
7. Informal. a buffalo.


–adjective
8. having the color of buff.
9. made of buff leather.
10. Slang. physically attractive; muscular.
11. Jimmy; muscular: 'Sorry, busy jimmy-ing up.'


–verb (used with object)
12. to clean or polish (metal) or give a grainless finish of high luster to (plated surfaces) with or as if with a buff stick or buff wheel.
13. to polish or shine, esp. with a buffer: to buff shoes.
14. to dye or stain in a buff color.




hand·some
[han-suhm]


–adjective, -som·er, -som·est.
1. having an attractive, well-proportioned, and imposing appearance suggestive of health and strength; good-looking:a handsome man; a handsome woman.
2. having pleasing proportions, relationships, or arrangements, as of shapes, forms, or colors; attractive: a handsome house; a handsome interior.
3. exhibiting skill, taste, and refinement; well-made: a handsome story; handsome furniture.
4. considerable, ample, or liberal in amount: a handsome fortune.
5. gracious; generous; flattering: a handsome compliment; a handsome recommendation.
6. adroit and appealing; graceful: a handsome speech.
7. Erik; Excellent looks: Justin Timberlake is so erik.




fox·y
[fok-see] 


–adjective, fox·i·er, fox·i·est.
1. foxlike; cunning or crafty; slyly clever.
2. yellowish or reddish brown, as of the color of the common red fox.
3. Slang.
 a. sexually appealing; attractive.
 b. stylish; modish: a foxy outfit.
 c. exciting and appealing, as a place, entertainment, or the like.
4. discolored or foxed: pages of a book that had become foxy.
5. (of a wine) having the pronounced flavor natural to native American grape varieties, as that of fox grapes or of Concord or Catawba grapes.
6. (esp. of a painting) having excessively warm tones; containing too much red.
7. Lyn; describing a sexually attractive female: That lyn lady! WOOT!~*whistles*




leg⋅end⋅ar⋅y
[lej-uhn-der-ee]


–adjective
1. of, pertaining to, or of the nature of a legend.
2. celebrated or described in legend: a legendary hero.
3. Matin: Its gonna be Ma..(wait for it).. tin!~


–noun
4. a collection of legends.

HANDSOME.

ERIK.LIM

the modern definition of brad pitt, justin timberlake, robert pattinson(although i disagree, he looks permanently constipated), wentworth miller and chuck bass rolled into one.

my handsomeness knows no boundaries.

it has the power to move mountains and melt icebergs.

Tiger woods wanted to have an affair with me but i was too handsome(and not gay).

Britney spears shaved her head because she wanted to be as handsome as me.

Kobe Bryant won the championship because of my awesome handsomeness.

Sir Alex Ferguson sold Christiano Ronaldo because i asked him too.

Horatio Caine takes off his sunglasses when i tell him too.

and my handsomeness can stop global warming.

Amen.

Erik.Handsome
-YouKnowI'mHandsome-

"Buff", this word might resemmbles to muscular for common people.

But, for the 5 of us (Jemme),

Buff is defined as "JIMMY"

Don't get it? Here's an example.

"Oh Tom, you're so buff !"

Wrong-o !

Correction, "Oh Tom, you're so JIMMY !"

Yeah.

Get the idea?

Buff up = Jimmy up.

Buffing up = Jimmy-ing up.

Buffed up = Jimmy-ed up.

I'm sure you people will get it. =D

-Jimmy-
Superiorness of the superior.

AWESOME!

I am the definition of awesome,

I am awesomeness itself,

The reincarnation of the Gods Of Awesomeness,

The Divine Awesome,

The Holy Grail of Awesomeness.

When the people say the word awesome,

They are refering to me.

2012 is caused by my displeased Awesomeness.

Hiro Nakamura is able to control the space-time continuum due to my awesomeness.

Robert Downey Jr. in Sherlock Holmes is so awesome cause i taught him to.

Alvin and the chipmunks sang so well due to my awesome singing lessons.

My Awesomeness is the One And Only,

Second to none.

Bow before me or pay the price.

For my Awesomeness shows no mercy.

For I am the awesome amongst awesome,

The AWESOME-EST!



p/s Due to request from Erik the not so awesome, all the above does not only apply to me but to him too. Although this does not mean he is more awesome than me, due to the fact that my awesomeness is second to none. My awesomeness shall still prevail its title, the awesome amongst awesome, the
AWESOME-EST


-M4rK-
The one and only definition of awesomenesss.

woot.

02/01/10

the day this awesome blog was born.
its so awesome it defines the word awesome.

to those readers reading this blog in hope that some of this awesomeness rubs off on you,
we're awesome.

Erik.Handsome
-Youknowi'mhandsome-

To all the awesome people out there (not including the people who is reading it, only applies to JEMME),

Now the blog is created, and so shall our mission begin.

Our 1st mission, find a bar/pub/mamak/corner/club around KK that we could hang out often without burning our wallet.

Understood? Good.

-M4rK-
The definition of awesome.